Thank You Notes

Thank you notes can sometimes feel like a chore but they are essential tokens of appreciation.

Here are a few ways to spice it up a bit.

Regular Mail

• include an individually wrapped mint, chocolate, or other treat
• draw a picture or comic strip about your gift
• write your thank you with rhymes or in haiku form
• decorate your note and/or envelope with some flourishes, doodles, stickers, etc
• hand-deliver your note, if possible

Email / Text

Normally I’d say email/text is the worst possible way to communicate. But it’s the BEST way to do these:

• send a voice memo with your appreciation, let your voice convey your emotion (maybe even sing your thanks)
• send a video “thank you”
• send photos of you using or appreciating your gift

I know, people might scoff at using email or text. If that’s you, don’t do that. Simple. I’d rather get any thank you than none at all, and if that medium allows someone to be creative than I’m all for it.

Singing Telegram / Billboard / Skywriting

Everybody to the limit!

No matter what, do something. No need to strive to create a keepsake, just be positive and real and get it out there. Now. Your gift-giver will appreciate it!

How to Playfully Open Gifts

“It’s the thought that counts.”

Ugh. When you hear, think, or say that, it’s probably to help someone feel better about a misguided gift.

And yet, it’s always true: the thought really is important and worth celebrating. How can we emphasize and live into that idea?

Let’s imagine…

You’re offered a wrapped present (or even an enveloped card). What do you do? Open it right away? No!

First, thank the giver. Profusely! Yes, before you open it. You might even hug or shake hands or high five, whatever feels right. This is the moment when you don’t know what the gift is. This is the moment when “the gift” is that this person thought of you and took the time to act. Don’t rush through this moment. Savor it, live in it, and show appreciation right now. Be energetically thankful.

Now do you open it? No!

Notice details about the wrapping and share a sincerely positive comment, compliment, or question.

Use all your senses. Look at it. Turn it over this way and that. Examine it. Shake it and listen. Put it down on the table. Pick it back up. Weigh it in your hands. Smell it. Lick it. Seriously, taste the outside of it.

Offer some outlandish guesses as to the contents, that may or may not have anything to do with your observations. DON’T guess anything that might actually be inside, or anything that you actually want it to be. You don’t want to upstage the actual gift. DO guess things that are impossible, useless, undesirable, and/or incredibly boring. Help make the gift inside seem even better by comparison. See below for some ideas.**

Thank the giver for letting you have fun with it. And again because it’s so nice to receive a gift.

Now do you open it? YES!

But wait! You have a choice: HOW do you open it? Quickly and wildly? With a flourish? Slowly with extra drama? How many times do you pause in the middle to add to the anticipation? It’s up to you: realize you’re making choices here.

When the actual gift is about to be revealed close your eyes tightly like it’s too brilliant to look at. Hand it back to the giver and tell them you can’t look and you need them to tell you what it is. Or you want them to read the card aloud (it’s their words, after all). This gets them actively involved and they can add their warmth and enthusiasm. Plus this helps avoid any potential awkward not understanding what it is.

Focus on the thought: find the story behind the gift. You don’t have to love whatever has been revealed. Just stay positive and ask about how and why they chose that for you. Of course, tone of voice is important here! There is always some kind of story behind it, even if it’s a short and seemingly uninteresting story. Mine that story for gold and focus on the positive.

Finally, thank them again. If you can, try to make physical contact in whatever way is appropriate to your relationship and the moment. Hug. Shake hands. High five. Let your personal bubbles intersect. If touching feels awkward, ask to get permission first. I like a simple "can we hug?"

Do not skip this last step! Make the personal connection and bring the experience back to the thought behind the gift.

Because, you know what they say…

p.s. — Write a thank you note or make a special thank you call with details about why you appreciate the gift. You both deserve it.

p.p.s. — For another take on gift-exchanges see Reverse Gifting.

** Sample gift guesses:

• “Is it a baby rhinoceros?”
• “Is it a solar-powered flashlight?”
• “Is it a gift certificate to that restaurant that went out of business last year?”
• “Is it a handful of dirt?”
• “Is it a video of paint drying?”
• “Is it a life of crime?”
• “Is it a potato?”
• “Is it an ethically-sourced unicorn horn?”
• “Is it a lock of your hair?”
• “Is it a key to your secret underground laboratory?”
• “Is it the original Declaration of Independence?”
• “Is it a jar of sewage?”
• “Is it nothing?”
• “Is it an invisible hula hoop?”
• “Is it a pocket-sized microwave?”
• “Is it a roll of toilet paper?”
• “Is it one hundred rolls of toilet paper?”
• “Is it one million rolls of toilet paper?”
• “Seriously, how many rolls of toilet paper are in here?”

Secret (Joy) Agent: Sneaky Cards

I felt a rush of excitement when I opened a pack of Sneaky Cards and started reading them.

Each of the 55 cards has a mini-mission of joy, kindness, connection, or wackiness. You carry out the task and then pass the card on to your impromptu accomplice or recipient. A few examples I’ve accomplished so far:

• take a selfie with a stranger
• bake something for a friend
• leave this card in your favorite book at the library
• buy someone coffee
• leave this card in a different state or region
• pre-pay for an item at a vending machine

I’m only a third of the way though my deck and already it’s been a very fun and rewarding challenge. There are a few that I can’t see myself ever doing (e.g. “make a speech in an elevator to three strangers”). The rest are “leave behind”, involve less confrontational interaction, and/or stretch my comfort zone enough to be intriguing but not enough to induce paralysis or weeping.

Yes, I did take a selfie with a stranger. The card gave me license. “I’m on a digital scavenger hunt and am supposed to take a selfie with a stranger. Can you help me with that?” It was scary and awesome and the person couldn't have been nicer.

With the cards that get left somewhere I like to imagine the puzzled look on the person who finds it, followed by a smile. A tiny moment of unexpectedness and color. And if they’re the right kind of person now THEY have a mini-mission, should they choose to accept it.

Each card has a unique code so theoretically it can be tracked online (anonymously). I say theoretically because so far only a few of my cards have been reported by others, and judging by online reviews this is pretty common. No matter.

For me the main attraction is getting an assignment and permission to do something different that otherwise I wouldn’t think of or be emboldened to try. The cards are motivation to interact with the world in some small new and unexpected way. I think of them as a pinch of spice to add to the daily recipe (mine and the recipient's).

If any of this sounds interesting, it’s a cheap investment. Also would make a fun small gift or group activity!

Go on, Play it forward.

One Perfect Pot vs. Many Pots

At the beginning of the semester a ceramics class is split into two groups.

Each one is told they will be graded differently at the end of the term. One group will be judged by the quality of one single pot, while the other group will be judged only by the quantity of pots they produce regardless of their quality.

Which group produced the best pots?

Of course I wouldn’t be asking if the answer was obvious: it was the quantity group that produced the more interesting, technically sound, and innovative products. But why?

While the quality group made plans and researched, the quantity group started churning out pots. Their skills increased from repetition and perhaps just to entertain themselves they started experimenting with little changes, trying new things. Over time those little changes and improvements added up and up and up to amazing results.

And the quality group? Some of them didn’t produce anything by the deadline. Nothing was good enough in the development phase and seemingly great designs fell apart or exploded in the kiln at the last minute. On average, the pots that did make it to the final grading showed far less skill and creativity than those from the quantity group.

I first came across this story years ago in the book Art & Fear. This is a paraphrased version so I may have gotten some details wrong. I can’t even remember if it is fact or fiction, and I like to think of it as a fable.

If it rings true for you, I hope it inspires you into action. Make many pots.**

See also Beginner’s Mind (Shoshin).

** Maybe it’s obvious: this applies to lots more than just pots and “creativity”. Do 10 minutes of yoga five times a week rather than 50 minutes once a week. Practice little kindnesses every day rather than making a grand gesture every once in a while. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Small frequent things add up to be much larger and stronger than big occasional things.

The Right Speech Challenge

We all talk (and email, post, etc) every day. But are we doing it Right?

Make your world a better place to live in: join me in taking the Right Speech Challenge.

It’s simple and becomes easier with practice. To engage in Right Speech you:

• don’t lie or deceive
• don’t speak badly of others
• don’t use rude, impolite or abusive language
• don’t gossip

Try it for one whole day. It’s okay if you slip up. Just notice it and re-commit.

Here are my checks before speaking, sending, or posting:

• am I about to put anyone down?
• am I about to talk about someone who isn’t present?
• would I say the exact same thing to that person’s face?

Also internally notice others’ speech and when it is "not Right". Gently steer conversations away from negativity and gossip and toward the positive.

Mark Twain is credited with saying:

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

I’d add:

“When you only say things you’re happy for anyone to hear, it doesn’t matter who finds out.”

Just the other day I consciously squelched a few less-than-kind thoughts before they became comments. I realized I was about to say them in part just to fill the silence. With a tiny bit of effort I was able to re-focus and found something positive to say. It felt like a present to myself and the people I was with.

Words have great power. Make your world a better place to live in by using Right Speech.

Reverse Gifting: the playfully connected alternative

The best gifts have a lot of personal meaning, have a strong element of surprise, and celebrate and enhance the connection between giver and receiver. But how often does this actually happen? What if I had a way to guarantee this would happen EVERY time? Would you be interested?

I won’t mince words: I don’t like traditional gift exchanges. There is so much pressure, and for every treasured gift there are many more well-intentioned duds given and received. And many people don’t even gift at all for lack of funds or inspiration. While “it’s the thought that counts” is true to an extent I think we can do so much better. I think we can get more personal, more playful, more connected, more “in the spirit” AND have a 100% success rate.

So I present for your consideration: Reverse Gifting.

Here’s how it works: two people agree to Reverse Gift with each other. Each one gives a present to him or herself that “comes from” the other person.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: that sounds selfish and awful. Selfish? In a way, yes. Awful? No, more like AWESOME. I’ve done this before and with the right attitude from both sides it’s a delight. Please allow me to explain.

Reverse Gifting allows us to tell the person what we really want from them and have them accept in the spirit of the exchange. The thing is, chances are what we REALLY want from them is actually more of them, not some object.

A meal together. A partner for some chore. A regular phone call. A periodic photo. Some skill they have that will really help you out. A commissioned poem, artwork, or craft item, no matter the talent level.

You “tell” them by stating that’s what they gave you (if it isn’t a physical object you’ve already procured). You wrap it up and put a bow and a card on it and then you open it in their presence. Or if you’re apart, maybe you send them your gift and they open it for you to discover what they gave you. SURPRISE!

This is a chance for increasing connection. If you still think that Reverse Gifting seems selfish consider this: I have an Amazon Wish List and in traditional gifting scenarios I often hope someone gives me something from my list. Now that I’ve set up a few Reverse Gifting exchanges, buying myself something from my own wish list to “come from” the other person feels empty and meaningless. Those items are trivialized. When I get to really call the shot I’m going for something way more personal.

Here’s the deal. I want people’s time. I want their attention. I want an experience with them. I don’t want a gift card. I don’t want cash. I don’t want some object. I want personal connection. I want to know the other person more. Reverse Gifting allows me to express that this is what I most want from them. It’s a heart opening.

Still, I trust that whatever each person comes up with will be the right thing for them. Maybe it’s more transactional. Maybe it actually is an object that can be opened in the moment, even an impersonal “could come from anybody” wish list item. That’s okay, too, even great. Because that is what that person chose for her or himself to come from me. It’s what he or she most wanted. I honor that and want to be a part of it. I just don’t want to know what it is ahead of time. I want to be surprised in a good way and get to hear all about why they love it.

There truly is a 100% success rate. Everyone puts in and gets out what they want. We’re all VERY happy with our gifts. We’ve shared what we appreciate. We’re together.

Finally, and not surprising at all: the best, most personal gifts often have little or no expense. Reverse Gifting brings the spirit in a big way while also reducing financial strain. [technical detail: the receiver (the one who invents the gift) pays for the gift they receive, and for any related out-of-pocket expenses such as meal ingredients, etc. The receiver can’t force the “giver” to spend money. That would be weird. ]

Try it. There is so little to lose and so much to gain.

Challenging the Auto-No

Look. Someone is offering us something of value. It might be to pay for the meal you just shared. It might be to bring in your trash while you’re away next week. It might be the opportunity to engage personally or try something new.

Most of the time, my immediate internal answer is some form of No, and I’d wager yours is, too. Maybe I come around to Yes quickly — maybe not — but first it’s almost always No.

Why is that?

It’s simple: fear. We want to stay safe. We don’t want to put people out. We don’t want to be exposed. We don’t want to be tied down or controlled. We don’t want to look foolish.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that path. Paraphrasing improv guru Keith Johnstone:

“People tend to mostly say No or mostly say Yes. People who say No are rewarded with security. People who say Yes are rewarded with adventure.”

But let’s make a conscious choice: which kind of person do you want to be?

Imagine this scenario: someone offers something of value to you. This time you don’t say No. If it’s something overtly financial or labor-related you don’t go through the awkward and boring social custom of “Really, are you sure? Oh, you don’t have to do that. Well, okay, I’ll take care of you next time!”

Instead, you simply graciously say Yes and see what happens next. Or you say something like “Great, thanks, I accept! Now, I’m curious, why do you want to do that?”

What kind of conversation could you have then and how could that deepen your relationship? Try it and see.

From the Jumping Pillow: “Adults Don't Have Much Fun”

Recently I went to one of those Fall farm places that has a corn maze, hay rides, and lots of fried food (and I was compelled to try Fried Oreos for the first and probably last time). There I discovered what I am told is now a staple of such places: the jumping pillow. It’s like a 60-foot long inflatable bouncy house with no walls or ceiling and a gently sloping surface down to the ground on all sides.

Apparently already familiar with the jumping pillow, my kids kicked off their shoes and ran out and started bouncing. About two seconds later I realized I was just standing there watching so I de-shoed and got out there also.

Almost immediately a stranger kid, maybe six or seven years old, bounced over toward me.

Kid [somewhat angrily]: What are YOU doing on here?!?

Me [taken aback]: Well, what are YOU doing on here?!?

Kid: Having fun!

Me: That’s what I’m doing, too.

Kid [sternly]: Adults aren’t supposed to have fun!

Me: …

Kid [still sternly]: You have to have all your fun when you’re a kid, ‘cause adults don’t have much fun.

It was then that I became aware of the spattering of parents outside the fence around the jumping pillow, standing silently and motionless, watching their children bounce and play.

I invite you to draw your own conclusions from this true story.

Attention is love is happiness (the three questions)

There’s that moment when I leave a conversation and realize I did all the talking, or I was just waiting for my turn and not really paying attention to what the other person was saying.

Leo Tolstoy would not approve. Yes, the War & Peace guy.

Paraphrasing his short story The Three Questions there are — you guessed it — three questions to ask in any situation:

1. When is the right time to begin?
2. Who is the right person to listen to?
3. What is the most important thing to do?

I first came across these ideas in one of my fave books Who Ordered this Truckload of Dung?, a humorous collection of short lessons written by a Buddhist monk.

Do you know Tolstoy’s answers? Here they are:

1. When is the right time to begin? … now
2. Who is the right person to listen to? … the one you are with
3. What is the most important thing to do? … to care

In other words, right now try to make the person I am with feel like the most important person in the world.

So, periodically I remind myself:

1. The most important time is right now
2. The most important person is the one I am with
3. The most important thing is to care

Maybe I'm with a family member or friend, a co-worker, a customer service agent on the phone, a stranger waiting in line beside me, or any human being. Maybe I'm by yourself and I could use a little care.

As the song goes: if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. If the word “love” seems inappropriate to you just think of it as “extreme courtesy”. Not quite as catchy, but the spirit of service remains.

I invite you to try it out yourself and see what a difference it makes to how you connect with the world and people around you.

Beginner's Mind (Shoshin)

A friend I hadn’t seen in a quite some time came over for dinner recently. He saw my new table and the conversation went like this:

Friend: “Wow, nice table! Where did you get it?”

Me: “I made it.”

Friend: “What?!? It’s amazing!!! Serious pro stuff. How long have you been woodworking?”

Me: “Actually, I just started. This is the first table I ever made.”

Friend: “WHAT?!? YOU’RE AMAZING!!!”

Actually, that never really happened. Unless you count what happens in my mind every time I start something new. Could be anything really. I jump from eager beginner right to idolized expert. In my mind, that is.

I bring this up to show the exact opposite of “beginner’s mind”, which is the quality I’d like to cultivate. Beginner’s mind is the ability to be curious, to try new things, to not be attached to outcomes. It’s a way to notice all the details of the present moment and to be at peace with how things are. The beginner can be playful where the expert may have to appear cool and in control.

There is a Japanese term for this, “shoshin”, which I believe is pronounced SHOH-shen.

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few.”
— Shunryū Suzuki, author of "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind"

It’s important to have this beginner's mindset whenever trying something new, but it’s also important to have it at every step along the path to mastery and beyond. How often do I become jaded and assuming when I’ve “been there, done that”?

With a beginner’s mind what would catch my eye? What questions would I ask? What would I try? And maybe most importantly: how easy would I be on myself if I “fail”?

In closing, I like to remember this related anecdote when I start to feel accomplished at something:

“The world’s foremost cellist, Pablo Casals, is 83. He was asked one day why he continued to practice four and five hours a day. Casals answered, ‘Because I think I am making progress.’”
— Leonard Lyons, newspaper columnist