Challenging the Auto-No

Look. Someone is offering us something of value. It might be to pay for the meal you just shared. It might be to bring in your trash while you’re away next week. It might be the opportunity to engage personally or try something new.

Most of the time, my immediate internal answer is some form of No, and I’d wager yours is, too. Maybe I come around to Yes quickly — maybe not — but first it’s almost always No.

Why is that?

It’s simple: fear. We want to stay safe. We don’t want to put people out. We don’t want to be exposed. We don’t want to be tied down or controlled. We don’t want to look foolish.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that path. Paraphrasing improv guru Keith Johnstone:

“People tend to mostly say No or mostly say Yes. People who say No are rewarded with security. People who say Yes are rewarded with adventure.”

But let’s make a conscious choice: which kind of person do you want to be?

Imagine this scenario: someone offers something of value to you. This time you don’t say No. If it’s something overtly financial or labor-related you don’t go through the awkward and boring social custom of “Really, are you sure? Oh, you don’t have to do that. Well, okay, I’ll take care of you next time!”

Instead, you simply graciously say Yes and see what happens next. Or you say something like “Great, thanks, I accept! Now, I’m curious, why do you want to do that?”

What kind of conversation could you have then and how could that deepen your relationship? Try it and see.